The Door-to-Door Sales Person

I am the door-to-door sales person's dream come true. I can't say no.

Why I can't say no:

• I feel bad that they have this job. How do I say no to a person who is sweating like a dog in 100 degree weather, lugging around a huge box of dictionaries while I am chillaxing with my diet coke in a perfectly cooled 69 degree house? (yes, 69 degrees. You try being pregnant in the summer) 
• I feel empathetic or sympathetic to their cause. K, I didn't grow up in the projects. I had only the best opportunities to get the best education possible. And even though I chose to get an English Humanities degree (a.k.a. I chose to be unemployed forever) I could have studied and pursued any job I wanted. When a guy shows up on my doorstep claiming he grew up in the projects, he now has 7 kids to support and that me buying a magazine is his best chance at being able to afford an education, I want to support his efforts.
• Sometimes their cause is really, actually legitimate (not just a sad sob story like above) Take for example when the boy scouts show up selling popcorn, or the neighbor HS boy is selling car washes to pay for football, or you are donating to help local rape victims. Sometimes it is just not ethically or morally right to say no.
• Sometimes it is girl scout cookies. Enough said.
• Sometimes these blasted door-to-door sales people are so incredibly pushy I just think that the fastest way to get them out of my face is to buy their stupid product and send them on their way. Take for example the girl who was selling a cleaning product. When I opened the door she pushed her way right into my living room (I now keep a butcher knife safely hidden in my coat closet in case the next pushy sales person also happens to be a mass murderer, but that is another story) and then she walked right into my kitchen and started spraying her cleaner all over my kitchen floor. Which brings me to my next reason to buy...
• Sometimes I need what they are selling. The above mentioned cleaner bleached out (or in some other way (I am not claiming that it actually cleaned any dirty grout)) changed the color of a 4x4 square foot section of the grout in the middle my tiled kitchen floor. It was either buy that cleaner and change the color of all the grout, re-grout the whole floor, or live with a multi-colored kitchen floor. It just seemed the easiest thing to do was buy the dang cleaner.

The thing is, I just can't afford the door-to-door sales person. If the company can afford to send a person door-to-door, state-to-state, they are charging waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much for what that person is selling. So, I have tried a few methods to avoid said sales people.

When I was first married it was super easy. When I answered the door they often would ask if my parents where home (looking like I am ten actually does have a few perks) and I would simply say no and they would walk away.

When I got pregnant, that stopped working. So then I would just tell them to talk to my husband. 5 boxes of steak later I realized Ryan has the same problem as me.

At my old house in Utah I just stopped answering the door. If I didn't expect anybody, I didn't answer the door. (Sorry neighbors. This often led me to miss your random visits) That worked very well!

However, my front door here in Colorado is surrounded by window ...which peers straight into my kitchen/family room... which is where we reside most of the day... which means by the time they ring the door bell they already can see we are home. It also doesn't help that Sadie freaks out and runs screaming to the door like a wild banchi every time the door bell rings. It is hard to pretend you aren't home when she is inside screaming, "MOM, OPEN THE DOOR, OPEN THE DOOR!"

I do now have one super great excuse: "You will need to ask my landlord. Would you like his phone number?" Goodbye roof repairmen, painters, lawn care, pest control and window covering sales people! That was easy!

But that still leaves me vulnerable to the sad sob story magazine sales people. Which is why I am writing this (now incredibly long) blog post. A few months ago a girl, much like this one, showed up on my porch selling magazines.

I guess her neon hair and makeup should have been my first clue... but I didn't catch on. She babbled on and on about how she was selling magazines to earn a trip to Ireland. I decided to buy a magazine because, hey, I would love to go to Ireland. Think of how much history and culture there would be to learn about, not to mention literature and art! I mean, surely she was going to Ireland as a study abroad thing, right?

So, after the magazine had been picked and the check had been signed I mentioned something about how I would just die to go to Ireland to read some James Joyce and engage in some political arguments. She looked at me like I was the BIGGEST nerd ever (which she probably should have) and said, "I don't know about any of that. I am just going to go to the best raves on the planet!"

Luckily, these door-to-door sales obligations often have a cancellation periods. Call me judgemental but I am not paying for someone else to go to Ireland just to party. I will save the money for myself so I can party. (But let it be mentioned that I would go to Tahiti, not Ireland). (And I probably wouldn't do drugs).

Well, I have learned my lesson. And FYI to all door-to-door sales people. If you knock on my door I will be freshly out of checks, and I don't keep cash in the house. Passive? Yes. Successful? Yes.

Now, I need some help. Something about the bible and liars and burning...   How do you just flat out say no?  Maybe my next investment should be a no soliciting sign.