Over the past couple of months I have had conversations with a couple of friends that have just left me feeling sad.
The conversations have centered around their husband's attitudes and their husband's thoughts about their roles,
responsibilities and duties within the home. Basically these men feel that their role is solely to provide financially for the family and therefore they:
A. have the right to be absent from participation in housework, childcare, and,
ultimately, their wives and families lives
or
B. have the right to demean or belittle their wives for what
hasn't happened during the day
First, let me say Thank You! Shouldering the burden of providing financially for a family is not easy. I appreciate that fact. I am grateful for the men that go out everyday and work so very hard for their families.
Second, I realize I am so totally spoiled in the husband department. But that is another post entirely.
That being said, I have major issues with these mindsets.
Let's talk about husband A. We will call him John. John works a grueling work week that is stressful with long hours. But he feels that because he provides this service to his family that when he isn't at work, all of his time is
his time to spend in whatever manner he feels is best for him. And so, he has the right to spend countless hours relaxing with his
xbox, hunting, watching sports [insert whatever the chosen hobby is].
Never mind that the dinner dishes need to be done, the sick kids need to be looked after or the fact that his wife just really wants to spend some quality time together.
Husband B, let's call him Steve. Steve is the man who works very, very hard. He goes to the job. He puts in the hours. He is dedicated. He feels that he has worked hard all day long. and he expects the same of his wife (which I would argue that he should). When he walks in the door at night he expects the dishes to be done, dinner to be made, the house to be picked up and the kids to be clean and happy. When this doesn't happen, Steve feels resentful and angry. "I just worked All. Day. Long. I should not have to do the dishes too!" Then angry, hurtful and rude comments fly in the direction of his wife...
never mind that the only time she got to sit down during the day was when she peed, and she didn't even get to do that alone.
I just want to shake these guys, slap them in the face and say "WAKE UP!" Can they not see what this is doing to their wives? Can they not see the
opportunities to
strengthen their relationships that they are losing out on? Can they not see their wives working hard all day (and often all night)? I just don't get it.
I am a wife, a mother, the
housekeeper, these are my roles. So my view is biased. It can't be any other way. I see the world through my own perspective, but that doesn't mean that my perspective is wrong, or that it can't be appreciated by the male gender.
Here is how I see it, there are 3 full time jobs that every family must fulfill
1. Financial security
2. Caring for the home and yard
3. Caring for, watching, teaching, etc. the kids
The problem is that there are only 2 people! There must be some compromise!!!
The last time I checked, it took two people to create a marriage, and, yes, it still takes two people to have a baby. And, I am willing to guess you decided together what kind of home you would have. Men, I know you work hard from 8 to 5. But, what are you doing with the other 15 hours of your day?
In your defense, Yes! you DO need some relaxation time. and Yes! You do have to get up and go to work early in the morning so, absolutely, you should get your sleep. I understand that cleaning up the kid's puke and folding the laundry is NOT what you want to be doing in your time off. And while you are at work the wife
should be working just as hard as she can at nurturing the children and caring for the family and home. But, in defense of women and mothers everywhere, do we not deserve a little relaxation time too? Do we not have duties and
responsibilities that we have to wake up for in the morning? Do you think that we WANT to change all of the diapers?
Oh, how I would love for my day to have a
certain and determined beginning time. And, it would be so completely fantastic to leave it all behind at 5PM. I wish my job didn't come calling (OK, if we are being honest, it usually comes screaming) at 4AM. I wish I got vacation days and sick leave, a lunch break and I even long for a potty break once in a while. Some stimulating adult interaction would be nice. And, I am not even going to mention the reward of a pay check, promotion and a feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment.
Unfortunately, a wife and mother's job isn't an 8 to 5 kind of thing. But, I think that some men out there need to start realizing that being a HUSBAND and a FATHER is not an 8 to 5 either!
So, here is what I am asking for:
In addition to providing for the material needs of your family and home,
1. provide the spiritual leadership in the home.
2. love your wife
to expound:
1. Providing spiritual leadership in the home means that you work to foster a spirit of peace and love.
"
The Apostle Paul points out that “the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” . That is the model we are to follow in our role of presiding in the home. We do not find the Savior leading the Church with a harsh or unkind hand. We do not find the Savior treating His Church with disrespect or neglect. We do not find the Savior using force or coercion to accomplish His purposes. Nowhere do we find the Savior doing anything but that which edifies, uplifts, comforts, and exalts the Church. Brethren, I say to you with all soberness, He is the model we must follow as we take the spiritual lead in our families." -L. Tom Perry
How do you expect to be the spiritual leader of your home if you are
constantly neglecting your family in favor of your hobbies or creating an argumentative atmosphere by blaming your wife for everything she didn't accomplish?
2. Love your wife means that nothing except God Himself takes priority over your wife in your life—not work, not recreation, not hobbies.
"What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion. Surely when you love your wife with all your heart, you cannot demean her, criticize her, find fault with her, or abuse her by words, sullen behavior, or actions. ...
Love means being sensitive to her feelings and needs. She wants to be noticed and treasured. She wants to be told that you view her as lovely and attractive and important to you. Love means putting her welfare and self-esteem as a high priority in your life.
Remember, brethren, love can be nurtured and nourished by little tokens. Flowers on special occasions are wonderful, but so is your willingness to help with the dishes, change diapers, get up with a crying child in the night, and leave the television or the newspaper to help with the dinner. Those are the quiet ways we say “I love you” with our actions. They bring rich dividends for such little effort." -L. Tom Perry
Men, I am not asking that you sacrifice
all of your time and energy. I am just asking that you take a step out of your workday dress shoes for a minute and put on your wife's rubber gloves and see the world as she sees it. If you take the opportunity to give the kids a bath you might find you enjoy spending time with them. If you take the opportunity to do the dishes side by side with your wife you might find you enjoy the conversation. If you take the opportunity to overlook the messy house and instead compliment what has been accomplished that day you might find a thankful smile on the other end. And if you put down the game controller and take your wife out on a date you just might find a little romance with the girl you fell in love with.
Just a
suggestion...
If you have noticed that Ryan has been looking especially cool these last few months it is because I got him an awesome new pair of sunglasses. They even have his prescription in the lenses. If I do say so myself, he looks pretty hot.
