My Mammary Glands Hate Me.

I vividly remember the day that my mom took me to buy my very first bra. I was mortified. Ever since then I have believed that my bosoms were not so much a buddy of mine. And then I started breast feeding…

I don’t really have too much to say except this:



The other day I was running on the treadmill at the gym and the guy next to me seemed to grow increasing uncomfortable the longer he was next to me. I acted like I was wiping the sweat off my brow with my arm to discreetly sniff to see if it was my scent that was turning him off. I smelled as sweet as a flower. I couldn’t figure out what else might be wrong with me, and, frankly, I was starting to get a bit offended that I was so offensive to him. That is when I noticed that I was holding my chest tightly with my hands while I ran. Ok, a little inappropriate for the gym, I admit it, but what is a girl suppose to do? I am lugging a gallon of milk along with me!

Pre-nursing my clothes never fit right. If it fit my waist, my cleavage played peek-a-boo out the top. If the top was appropriately modest, the waist made me look fat. And that was before the baby! When I got home from the hospital (a.k.a. when I was in full milking mode) I tried to put on a button up shirt. By the time I had tried to squeeze all of the buttons closed my chest was touching my chin. Now THAT is a double chin.

You know when you sign up for a new membership on some website, say WebMD for example, you go through the whole sign up process to sign up for just that one website or just that one weekly email. But you have to be very careful to look for all of the pre-checked boxes or else you are not only signing up for WebMD but also diabetes monthly email, men’s prostate health daily thought AND weight loss weekly tips. Well, somehow I missed the checked boxes when I signed up for my extra x chromosome. Having breasts signed up for all night time baby duty regardless of if it was a feeding or not. Apparently changing diapers also requires having breasts, but I am not quite sure why. And I am still trying to figure out why, when the baby decides that 5am on a Saturday morning is the perfect time to wake up, that only people with breasts can hear them.

I was excited to start the weaning process and put all of this behind me. I was even more excited when I got on the scale after a week of not nursing and discovered I had lost 10 pounds. 10 pounds! And then I looked in the mirror. All 10 pounds came straight from my bust, which I am now going to have to strap back into place with this

…or maybe duct tape.


Dear Mammary Glands: the feeling is mutual!

THE TRUTH from Lynette Scavo: