How to Shoplift a Watermelon

I ran to the grocery store the other day and used the self checkout lane to pay for the groceries. I usually don't use the self checkout lanes as they completely freak me out. The automated voice is always telling me I am stupid, "Please place your scanned item in the bagging area... Please bag your item... NOW.  PUT YOUR ITEM IN THE BAG BEFORE I SEND A POLICE SQUADRON!!! Thank You." But, hey, what could go wrong? I only had a couple of items and I was in a hurry.

As I began the check out process I was trying my best to avoid the embarrassment I usually experience with these lanes so I was very carefully scanning each item and then very carefully placing them in the bagging area. You can imagine my pride when I successfully scanned all of my items without incident.

The credit card scanner is above the bagging area, so next I stepped away from the scanning area and over to the bagging area so I could pay for my groceries. And this is when the machine decided to start freaking out at me.
"There is an unscanned item in the bagging area! Please scan your item before bagging. BEEP. BEEP. There is an unscanned item in the bagging area! Please scan your item before bagging. BEEP!! BEEP!!"

I checked my hands. I checked my bags. I checked the scanning area. I had scanned ALL of my items. "What the crap is going on??" I just couldn't figure it out.

I checked again. I had absolutely no idea what the machine was freaking out about so I stepped back to think and try to figure out what I was going to do when the store clerk came over to accuse me of stealing.
...And the machine calmed down...

Yes, that is right. I stepped back and suddenly there were no more unscanned items in the bagging area. The machine thought my huge, pregnant belly was a grocery item. Nice.

So, this is what we have learned about self check out lanes:
A. If you have ever wondered whether or not you are too fat, just go stand in front of the scanner. Unlike your mother or your husband, the self check out machine will give you a truthful and unbiased answer.
B. If you really want some watermelon but just don't have the money to buy one, put it under your shirt and use the self check out lane. It will just let you know you are too fat.
C. You will realize that you have reached a point where your pregnancy is quite obvious. In fact, your pregnant belly is huge... as big as someone with a watermelon up their shirt.

My Huge Belly at 31 weeks.

I think I will stick to the regular check out lanes from now on.